I need instructions for normal

We had our consultant appointment yesterday, and we have the all clear to carry on as normal. No bed rest or even house arrest, because apparently all this lying around might lead to blood clots in my legs and the risk of that is now greater than the risk of bringing on any further bleeds or, indeed, labour. On the subject of labour, given the shortened cervix, at 28 weeks we have been advised that the baby is pretty much ‘done’, if small, and, because it’s had the course of steroids, it would have a very good chance if it were to arrive early. It would have to go in an incubator, but it would be considered a better option to let nature take its course rather than try to delay things. The only reason that they would give treatment to delay things is if they needed to move me to a different hospital where there were available incubators.

BUT, all of this is ‘worst case scenario’, because there is every chance that I will carry this baby to term and have a totally normal, emergency free delivery at some point in June. This really is something to get my head around as we had had it in mind for the last 2 months that we would have a planned C-section at the end of May. I have not done any of the mental preparations that the books have been going on about, because I didn’t think it would apply to me. Being something of a control freak, I was quite comforted by the idea that we would go in to hospital at 36 weeks and come out a few days later with a bundle of joy. Job done. Not so straight forward anymore, but normal is good.

The consultant encourages me to take gentle exercise and go swimming, and to take regular stops to stretch my legs in long car journeys. My waking life is now to be treated as if I am on board a long-haul flight; support stockings are on my mind, if not yet on my legs.

My blood pressure was taken (still fine, at the low end), the bump was measured (ahead a little, but I expect that’s down to the growth promoting steroids), and the baby’s heart beat was listened to. We’re keeping the appointments at the end of April ‘just to be extra sure that things are still looking normal’, and we remain on the kind of alert that is normal for women in their third trimester (amazing to think we’ve made it this far!).

Back at home, and in the absence of anything proper to worry about, I decided to read my notes for the day. I was alarmed to see that, under the heading of ‘Hb’ the number 106 had been written. Heart beat of 106? Whose? Not mine! Mine is closer to 80bpm. The baby’s? Should be 140. It was 140 last week! What’s going on?! To add to the confusion, the 106 was written in a different hand writing and a different pen to the rest of the notes from yesterday. Underneath this, in yet more different handwriting, it says ‘x low hb’. This is even more alarming. My husband, upon studying the notes more carefully, notices that the box for ‘fetal heart’ is ticked, indicating that it was heard but not measured today. Looking back, it is this box, not ‘Hb’ where the numbers are usually written. I am reassured that we would still be in hospital if there were any real concerns. After all, they were very cautious with us last week, why suddenly become reckless now? It’s much more likely that I simply don’t understand the notes, he advises. I agree, and bow to my husband’s logic in this matter. Then I secretly google ‘decoding antenatal notes’ and discover that the code ‘Hb’ stands for IRON!!! Not heart beat. What an idiot! (To be fair, heart beat does seem reasonable… maybe I’m not supposed to understand the code?). I have low iron. I mentally note to eat some leafy dark green vegetables tomorrow.

With that panic firmly put to rest, I relax into my new status of ‘normal’ and look forward to remaining ‘normal’ for the next couple of months, at least. Then I awake at 4 am and, realising that I am now 28 weeks and am supposed to no ‘count the kicks’. Unable to get back to sleep, I start counting. I get 10 in 20 mins (apparently you should worry if you don’t feel 10 within 2 hours). More normal, more reassurance. I go back to sleep and have a very vivid dream about blood transfusions…. I think this might be my normal life, now… 🙂

…and a little bit of emotion came out

I’ve been thinking about things. The real-life reality is finally beginning to dawn on me that in about 11 or so week, a baby is coming to live in the house with us. I know, I catch on quick. Being pregnant, it seems, is one thing; I’m enjoying the lovely kicks and rolls (even in the middle of the night), I feel like my lungs are the size of a postage stamp, I no longer bend in the middle, I get a back ache whenever I try to do any work (apparently not sufficiently an excuse to actually not do any work), and, thanks to the placenta praevia, I’m not allowed to lift or shift anything except my own body, which is becoming increasingly difficult. Yesterday, it took me two attempts to stand up from a sofa. Yes, I had an audience. This is the day to day grind, and it’s fine, albeit uncomfortable.

I was reading a pregnancy book today and the chapter on week 25 provided a helpful list of baby clothes to buy (the essential ones, not the cute ones that make you make a high pitched noise when you see them). I suppose it is something to think about. I need to clear out a drawer for them, first. Perhaps I’ll leave it a bit longer. 10 more weeks, perhaps…? At the start of this pregnancy (actually since the first loss), I have been quite wary of reading ahead to the next developmental section of the book. I felt that, it was a bit fraudulent to think about what was happening whilst waiting for the next scan which may well confirm the worst. I used to read them retrospectively to find out what had happened, once we knew what was what on the inside. The kicks have eased this anxiety, and now I sometimes read a week ahead. But today’s ‘buy the baby some clothes’ shocker in the cheeky sneak peek at week 25 has accelerated my mind much farther into the future than I was anticipating.

Then, later, something even weirder happened. A very brave lady I know has just had her baby today (she has a similar story of recurrent miscarriage to me), and I have just seen a picture of her, and her new baby boy, on facebook. Amazing, gorgeous boy and proud, exhausted Mum. I’ve usually avoided this kind of thing because it was just too painful to see what I was missing out on (I never promised to have rational emotions), but I was very pleased to see this new arrival. And, something else, new, too. A strange realisation that, soon, that will be us. My nose has gone a bit tingly just thinking about it. My eyes might follow. What is this feeling? Emotional ice, melting. Barriers, softening.

Guess what… I’ve just realised… a baby is coming to live at our house… really soon… our baby.

Telling people

Written 20th December, 2014.

We’ve finally reached the part of this journey where society says we can let people know what’s going on. Thanks for the green light, world! On Tuesday we had our 12 week scan, and baby is literally alive and kicking (fidgeting, he says). It’s growing fast, too, and we’re now 12.6 when we thought we were 12.4 (which was advanced from being 11.4 when we thought we were 11.1). The NT measurement is 1.4 and, whilst we still await the blood test results, we are beginning to consider starting to think about possibly relaxing. A little bit. Maybe. PHEW! I have a photo, but I won’t post it here. I’m still in such a state that I find it hard to see other people’s photos, and given my ‘readership’, I just don’t think it’s appropriate to post such an image here. We’ve even booked a 20 week scan, which seems extraordinarily confident. I’ve been asked what we call it. No pet names just yet. We call it “assuming all is…”, “if everything…”. We’ll have to do better than that, but not until we’re ready.

There are lots of reasons why I really disagree with this socially mandated tradition of waiting to 12 weeks before telling people you’re pregnant. It’s a way avoiding embarrassing conversations in which you have to ‘un-tell’ people you’re pregnant because your baby has died (miscarriage makes people so uncomfortable – poor them), but I do understand that these are horrible conversations, and women may genuinely want to grieve in private. But, and this is my main objection, the people who are affected my miscarriage are grieving. This is a legitimate human emotional process and it does people damage to bury it. Grieving means that sometimes people experiencing it get emotional angry and withdrawn (and a whole range of other perfectly normal grief responses), and they need support and understanding They don’t need socially imposed secrecy and shame. This, if they’re keeping the pregnancy and then miscarriage a secret, is support they don’t always get. I think this a cruel and wrong. I’ve been lucky to have so many wonderful friends and family around me to give support, but I know lots of women who have kept everything secret and suffered alone. And this says nothing of the partners who’s emotional needs are often even more neglected. Still, at least no-one’s made a social faux pas.

That said, people do say some really weird things to women who have miscarried and some of those are down right offensive (it wasn’t really a baby yet etc.). On balance, however, I think that this is a consequence of people not really knowing what to say. Maybe if everyone was more open, people would get better at not putting their foot in it. So I stand by my original point.

I want to write, however, about another delicate problem, the weight of which I feel very acutely, and to which I don’t really have a solution. This is the problem of telling people who will be upset by the news. Having been on this road for over 3 years, I know lots of people who are in similar situations. I know (because I’ve been there – and if you follow my blog, you’ll have seen the messy outpourings of grief that follow other people’s pregnancy announcements) how devastating Other People’s News can be. It’s not selfishness, it’s self preservation mixed with varying degrees of Post Traumatic Shock and (guess what?!) stifled grief (from all of that not-telling you did to stop people from being uncomfortable when you had your miscarriage). That’s really damaging, and it makes me feel really sad that friends of mine are going though it. It makes me even sadder that, now, I am the cause of this kind of upset to these friends. I’m sorry.

I want to show these friends of mine that I have enough respect for them that I don’t announce in public places where they can’t get away from a social situation, but it also feels like such a breach of trust to call or email someone and bring such upset and anguish into their home, their safe space. It’s such an intrusion. Even writing these blogs caused me to really think about who might see and be upset by them. All I can really say is that I am sorry, and I do get it. I used to feel the same. I hope it will happen for them soon, too.