…and a little bit of emotion came out

I’ve been thinking about things. The real-life reality is finally beginning to dawn on me that in about 11 or so week, a baby is coming to live in the house with us. I know, I catch on quick. Being pregnant, it seems, is one thing; I’m enjoying the lovely kicks and rolls (even in the middle of the night), I feel like my lungs are the size of a postage stamp, I no longer bend in the middle, I get a back ache whenever I try to do any work (apparently not sufficiently an excuse to actually not do any work), and, thanks to the placenta praevia, I’m not allowed to lift or shift anything except my own body, which is becoming increasingly difficult. Yesterday, it took me two attempts to stand up from a sofa. Yes, I had an audience. This is the day to day grind, and it’s fine, albeit uncomfortable.

I was reading a pregnancy book today and the chapter on week 25 provided a helpful list of baby clothes to buy (the essential ones, not the cute ones that make you make a high pitched noise when you see them). I suppose it is something to think about. I need to clear out a drawer for them, first. Perhaps I’ll leave it a bit longer. 10 more weeks, perhaps…? At the start of this pregnancy (actually since the first loss), I have been quite wary of reading ahead to the next developmental section of the book. I felt that, it was a bit fraudulent to think about what was happening whilst waiting for the next scan which may well confirm the worst. I used to read them retrospectively to find out what had happened, once we knew what was what on the inside. The kicks have eased this anxiety, and now I sometimes read a week ahead. But today’s ‘buy the baby some clothes’ shocker in the cheeky sneak peek at week 25 has accelerated my mind much farther into the future than I was anticipating.

Then, later, something even weirder happened. A very brave lady I know has just had her baby today (she has a similar story of recurrent miscarriage to me), and I have just seen a picture of her, and her new baby boy, on facebook. Amazing, gorgeous boy and proud, exhausted Mum. I’ve usually avoided this kind of thing because it was just too painful to see what I was missing out on (I never promised to have rational emotions), but I was very pleased to see this new arrival. And, something else, new, too. A strange realisation that, soon, that will be us. My nose has gone a bit tingly just thinking about it. My eyes might follow. What is this feeling? Emotional ice, melting. Barriers, softening.

Guess what… I’ve just realised… a baby is coming to live at our house… really soon… our baby.


12 thoughts on “…and a little bit of emotion came out

  1. How cool is that!?!? 🙂 Very happy for you. If it makes you feel better, I didn’t buy too much for my sons before they were born. Just a few essentials. When baby comes she or he will “tell” you what is needed best :)) Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy 🙂 The fun really starts when baby joins the party ;)))

  2. Firstly I just want to say how happy I am for you. What a battle you have fought and documented so eloquently in your blog.

    I burst in to tears when I read through everything you have written, simply because at last somebody has had the strength to vocalise the exact same feelings, frustrations, fears, shear determination and perseverance that I have been battling with in my head since my first miscarriage on Christmas Day 2013. I’ve broken down in the Doctors surgery, EPU and A&E and tried to vocalise everything at times but it’s just so utterly exhausting. My 2nd was a mmc at the 12 week scan, baby stopped growing at 7 weeks, I knew having been to A&E with bleeding and a sharp on/off pain in my left shoulder blade that just wouldn’t budge, a couple of weeks previous to the scan, that all was not well and refused to look at the screen before those dreaded words ‘I’m sorry but’… I’ve just suffered my 3rd early miscarriage only 4 weeks and 2 days. My cycles are as regular as clock work and I knew a week before I tested that I was pregnant, woke up decided to tell my sister and parents at 4 weeks 2 days. My husband went off to work, also telling his parents on his drive down to Heathrow that morning. I got up had breakfast and half an hour after telling my family I miscarried. I’m 39 and feel so angry and desperate, in the year gone by so many friends have all had their babies without any issues, the year has come and gone and a new one has started yet I do not feel any nearer to seeing an end to this endless pain and worry. Not happy with our local services we asked to be referred to the John Radcliffe RMC. We were offered St Mary’s Paddington but the reality of the to and fro’ing from Aylesbury to Paddington was just too much. My test results were viewed as normal by the first consultant, my husband and I were given Chromosome tests before we left, we were eventually notified these were all normal. After the 3rd miscarriage last month I phoned John Radcliffe and got an appointment with another consultant. We asked about various tests etc. but we’re basically told that we are just very unlucky and to ‘try again’ and once pregnant to let them know straight away so they can organise weekly scans. I now alternate on a daily basis between overwhelming feelings of numbness, and pure anger to ‘try again and suffer another miscarriage’ unless somebody takes the time to test me for every test going. As much as I try and try to pick myself up again and again and look on the bright side I cannot because I fear another miscarriage and more bad luck. Where to turn to next I just don’t know.

  3. Hi Onestep,
    Thank you for your post, and I’m sorry to hear that you have had such a rotten time. I have been through the testing at St Mary’s and they are very comprehensive. If you can get referred, I would recommend that you go, as they do some tests that aren’t done in other RMC clinics (specifically the TEG test). However, my top recommendation is to the Implantation clinic at Coventry with Profs Quenby and Brosens (http://www2.warwick.ac.uk/fac/med/research/tsm/bru/). You can self refer (you need to be at least 2 cycles post mc and not be pregnant), and it costs £360. You attend the clinic once and the rest is done over the phone and email, and I am sure that Stoke Mandeville will follow their protocol of heparin and progesterone, as they’ve just overseen mine. I showed them the letter at the EPU to get the heparin prescription. I really recommend the Coventry team for the treatment and also for basically making you feel like you can be helped (rather than the usual ‘bad luck’ crap). I wish you all the best with what I know is a really tough journey.

    • Thanks so much for your speedy reply and advice. My husband and basically ruled out St Mary’s as we had heard you don’t get to see the top consultant and the appointment waiting times were quite long. At 39yrs I’m not waiting around I feel we’ve wasted so much time already. I will self refer to Warwick thank you so much for the link.

      My husband and I have immense respect for the NHS. But I have lost my patience with Stoke Mandeville. I was initially sent by my doctor to EPU to investigate an ectopic at 5.5 wks. First transvaginal scan nothing was seen, bloods done immediately afterwards. EPU called later that afternoon to say progesterone was quite low and to return for another scan at 6.5 weeks. I returned on 23rd December, was seen by a trainee and a qualified sonographer. The trainee took her time looking around, then the qualified sonographer took over also taking quite some time and caused me a lot of pain, felt as though she was digging around, so much so that another nurse in the room came over and asked if I was ok. Eventually the monitor was pulled towards me and I was told we think we can see a tiny empty yolk sac at the top of your uterus. I finally jumped off the table. Nothing much more said to me but to book another appointment. My husband and I went to waitrose, sat in the cafe and had a sandwich and that’s when the burning from the inside on my lower left side started. It quickly worsened I sat on the sofa curled up in a ball all afternoon until bed. My face swelled up and reddened and the pain I experienced, constant on/off waves that I an so familiar with now became excruciating that I didn’t sleep a wink all night. Next far I called EPU to tell them I was having brown discharge… Was this normal, should I be in so much pain after a scan. The answer was no and to keep and eye on it and to go to A&E if it worsened. Xmas morning came round I was in too much pain and weak to open my present from my husband. I went up had a bath phoned NHS helpline and the bleeding became heavier got an immediate appointment only for somebody to drive in to the side of my husbands new car whilst at traffic lights on the way to the hospital. The doctor couldn’t help but just book an appointment in emergency Gynae for Boxing Day who confirmed I was miscarrying. Second miscarriage all was going well until I started sporting around 8 weeks and boobs stopped hurting! Called my doctor about spotting was reassured it sometimes happens and to keep an eye on it. Midwife appointment came round at home at 10.5 weeks, I made her aware of spotting and constant on/off pain on left shoulder blade that was sapping all my energy. Told to phone GP if worried and to wait for 12 wk scan. A few days later more spotting and still shoulder pain, visit to A&E at 6pm. Cannulated, seen by various nurses and a doctor, bloods and urine taken, wait four hours for the results to be told nothing to worry about, bloods are fine and urine test still says pregnant. I could have done a urine test at home and of course it would still say in pregnant. No progesterone level tests taken. They don’t seem to do these anymore, no budget apparently! 12 week scan came around Monday 13th Oct ( not my lucky number) scare stiff, physically shaking in EPU. Bleeding had ironically worsened the night before the scan. And then the dreaded result of the scan in the coldest of scanning rooms, if I wasn’t shaking from the worry I was shaking from the cold! We were then ushered in to what I can only describe as a broom cupboards. Tiny, airless, windowless dark room with two cold chairs, told to keep the door shut and then wait and a consultant would see us. And there we waited and waited and waited until the nurse explained that she wasn’t supposed to be talking to us but now she could as it’s complicated and something to do with budgets?!?!

      I walked out of there and told my husband I would never ever go back, hence now going through the system at John Radcliffe RMC but battling with doctors in Bucks as they stress that Stoke Mandeville is easier for them as it’s all ‘linked up on the computer systems’ but John Radcliffe might as well be in another planet as they are not ‘linked’ on the system. JR RMC lost my last set of full blood test and I had to have the full set, 8 viles of blood taken again. I just can’t bring myself to go back to Stoke Mandeville. I know they help so many people and I feel absolutely awful to not speak of them positively in my case, but for me it’s just not where I want to go to, we are even contemplating moving house to avoid having to go there!

      Thanks very much for your advice, I will take it and wishing you all the best of luck.

      • Hi Onestep, It sounds like you’ve had a really traumatic time. I’m sorry to hear it. My I recommend, if you haven’t already, that you seek some kind of talking therapy? I had some cognative hypnotherapy last summer and it really helped with the medical trauma. Might I also recommend this forum: http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage/2324581-Recurrent-Miscarriage-Support-Thread-19-tests-treatment-trying-again?, which is full of ladies in a similar situation as ourselves. You will get lots of support there and feel that you are not alone.
        I totally understand your feelings about going back to Stoke Mandeville. I felt the same after mc3 and we went to the EPU at UCLH at Euston Square (https://www.uclh.nhs.uk/OurServices/ServiceA-Z/WH/GYNAE/GDTU/Pages/Home.aspx) which is a walk in centre, and very, very good.
        That said, once I’d been to Coventry, and got my letter from the specialists there I got my GP to write to the Head Gynae consultant at Stoke and got written agreement that they would follow the Coventry plan. After that I had a much better experience and had early scans almost weekly and the care was good. That said, I recognise the windowless room you describe; we’ve spent many long hours in there!
        You might also find this book useful. It;s a bit old, and research is moving on, but still a useful resource to get your head round what might be causing your problems.
        Wishing you all the best with your future care. xx

    • Thanks so much and for the links. Were you referred by your doctor for the cognitive hypnotherapy or find this by yourself? My sister also recommended it to me. I used to live in North London for 7 years got divorced, had marriage counselling but I found the counselling so frustrating, it may have been to do with the fact that most sessions were done with my exhusband in the room at the sane time but I always felt I couldn’t convey my feelings and thoughts as well as he could, so I would just crumble and end up bursting in to tears in shear frustration. Also the questions and tasks the counsellor gave us were just so predictable and slightly lame. It has put me off counselling or having to sit in front of someone and talk. My husband now is absolutely wonderful I can talk to him but I’m all too aware that it takes it’s toll on him and the burden I’m already carrying with all the miscarriages becomes even worse when I think I’m talking to him about my ups and downs. It was my husband who researched the miscarriage clinic at JR and St Mary’s, I was so numb and exhausted I just couldn’t do it. Although I have spent many hours on netmums googling everything under the sun!

      Thank you again for your help and links and for your wonderful blog. Xx

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