All the good things

It occurs to me that I have presented quite a sad, miserable side of myself to the blogosphere. While its true that I have had quite a few sad events a disappointments to contend with, there’s also a hell of a lot in my life that I really like. This post celebrates some of them. Sorry if you’ve joined me today for a gynaecological tear fest… I expect there will be another one along soon enough!

So, in no particular order of likiness:

Happy #1

Work. I know! Who would think that was something to be happy about, right? Well, I am lucky enough to have a vocation rather than just a job. I teach Philosophy and Ethics to fantastic students at a brilliant school. I spend my days discussing really interesting ideas, and, because it’s with kids, the discussions are new, original and fresh every time. Yes, sometimes I have to rush my lunch and do marking at the weekend, but I can honestly say that its a really rewarding job that gives me something to get up in the morning for.

Happy #2

Swimming and bootcamp. Its good to exercise, and its even better to exercise outdoors. Fresh air, a great group of people, challenge and camaraderie. It means I keep strong, get some feel good endorphins pumping, get my vitamin D naturally, participate in challenges to push myself and give me focus. And not feel too bad about eating cake from time to time.

Happy #3

Cats. Mad cat lady? Perhaps. I unashamedly love my kitty cats. One is sweet and aloof, the other is boisterous and a bit dim, but they are always pleased to see me (I do realise that its because I provide food).

Happy #4

Husband. What can I say? He’s unfailingly understanding and supportive; a true friend and soul mate. Lesser men would not have been able to endure the challenges we have faced together. I couldn’t have done it without him (to be fair, I wouldn’t have needed to, but that’s not the point!).

Happy #5

Family. I’ve got a really brilliant family. None of that ‘keeping up appearances’ b*llsh*t; they’re supportive, straightforward and loving. I know of so many people who have chosen to hide their fertility issues from their families for various reasons, and that makes me feel so sad for them. I know I can be true to myself with my family, and it really means a lot to me.

Happy #6

Friends. I’ve got some really amazing people in my life who support me and whom I support. I socialise, laugh, write, sing, chat and work out with a diverse and brilliant bunch of people. I love them all for all the different ways they enrich my life.

There are so many things in life to be happy about, and when you’re feeling really down and in the thick of it its easy to lose sight of that. Sometimes, when I go back and read my blog posts, the sadness comes through and its quite raw. This post is one to come back and read when I need cheering up. Here’s to accentuating the positives!

New ways to grieve for the future I’ve lost

For months I have been making big efforts to lead a normal life a not let what has happened get me down. I have invested time and money in therapy and making plans, and being positive; grateful for what I have. And I am grateful. I am the mistress of my fate, the captain of my soul. Like the Invictus poem by William Ernest Henley that so inspires us all:

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.             

Well not today. I am crying because of circumstance. I am not beyond this place of wrath and tears. My soul, if I have one, is bruised beyond recognition and shaking in the corner.

It seems that was there was only a paper veil with smiles and brightly coloured illusions of confidence, now shredded by the happy dagger words ‘Exciting News’. I feel the happy announcement as a body blow, leaving me sick and reeling.

Today my circumstance is the master of me. My distress is compounded by the shame of it, but I can’t help it. It comes from a darker place.

It is an expression of the supressed grief for a future denied. It is the anger at realising that I have not moved on as much as I hoped. It is the sadness that I exist in Negative; others’ joy becomes my pain. It is the fading light of hope in the darkness.

I’m sorry, but it hurts.

So.

Very.

Much.