Written 6th November, 2014.

I am a human pin cushion. I have 8 dot shaped bruises covering my thighs and tummy from the daily heparin, I’m having regular acupuncture, because it is relaxing to lay in a darkened room and not be able to move, and now I’ve had a ‘flu jab, too. The ‘flu jab was today’s unexpected bonus, following our second good scan at Stoke Mandeville’s EPU.

I was honestly driving myself crazy with worry about this scan. So much so that strange superstitious thoughts were starting to get more mental air time than is considered sane. For example, does seeing a single magpie and then another, second single magpie make that two for joy or double the sorrow? Oh dear.

I had a moment of dread while we were waiting to be seen that convinced me that history was repeating itself. The sonographer from mc1 still works there and I saw her arrive. She’s probably lovely, but to me she is the harbinger of doom. Get a grip.

No tears in the examination room today, and, once again, the team are lovely. But there is a technical hic of some kind which causes the sonographer to say to herself ‘oh no, lost it again,’ ‘Unfortunate turn of phrase,’ I said. I bet she felt bad. I didn’t mean for her to, but the comment wouldn’t stay in.

She was very nice, though, and found the heartbeat straight away and showed us. Milestone #2. We’re relieved, but by no means confident, we’ve been here before and still lost it. But its a step in the right direction.

The ‘flu jab was a bonus and the midwife who did it asked us if we planned to have our baby at this hospital. We just kind of looked at each other… Baby? It still doesn’t really occur to us that all this jabbing and scanning and waiting might actually result in an actual baby one day. It makes me sad that this has happened, but we are the victims of circumstance.

Two weeks before my next scan. If I count that in pricks, that’s 14 injections and many more acupuncture needles. What a way to carry on, but carry on we do, until something makes us stop.


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